Bad Humor
 

On a nice Sunday the Jansen family got together at the table to have dinner.

When they were finished, the oldest son said: "Mom and Dad, I have to tell you something.."

The parents looked at each other and waited to see what their son had to tell.

The son continued: "I've known this for some time, but I want you to know, I'm gay. "

The father gets angry and begins to rage, but his wife holds back him and says: "It is good that you have the courage to admit your sexual preference. Your father and I do appreciate you telling this to us.
Dad didn't, but he nods in agreement, yes...

The second son of the family reacts: "Gosh that's a coincidence, I am also gay.

Dad can no longer restrain and begins to rage.. With foam on his lips he shouts: "Is there then no one here that likes women?!!?!?"

The daughter sais: "Yes Dad, I do!"


(Translated from Dutch, any grammar or spelling mistakes are totally intentional honest..)

You know what's really sad... I still remember when "gay" meant someone who was light hearted and happy.

/sigh

Ever seen the Amsterdam Gay Pride?

Looks like a lot of light hearted and happy people :D:banana:

I'm not sure... but I'm almost certain using dancing bananas in a post about gay pride might be a violation of some rule somewhere.

~grin~

PS: I have no issue whatsoever with sexual orientation of any kind... I was more just noting how language changes over time.

hehehe :p

I knew the dutch version :)

Liv'ng on the edge :eek::banana::eek::banana:

Same here. Live and let live. Better not get to deep into this tho. Not the kind of topic that usually goes well..

Another one..

If you ever are on a plane or a train and there's a annoying person next to you then do this;

1> Open your bag fully relaxed.
2> Take out your laptop.
3> Turn on the laptop.
4> Make sure the annoying person has a good view of the screen.
5> Close your eyes and face the heavon.
6> Open this link :http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

~roflmfao~

That is so wrong on so many different levels

I love it

Rofl, my mother's middle name is Gay with mine being Joy for being a similar meant name. I am dreading the day when Joy means something other than happy. Rofl.

Rofl, I almost choked on my crisps ( chips to the Americans ) :D

Don't tell me your last name is Stick..

Rofl. Thankfully no. But my first initials are T J .. so I always made jokes that I had to find a husband named Hooker. Rofl.

You could also look for a guy named Rider..

If you ever get pulled over by the cops and they ask your name....

rofl .. splutter... rofl... But nope, Ive found a guy with the name Bond. James ,... oh wait wrong guy :D But hey, a perfect name for a Brit :D

Some how Joy Bond sounds a bit...


... Never mind.

Rofl, thankfully Joy isn't used that often when talking to me being a middle name its just there to have something extra to write down when filling in forms and such like.

Allright, bit annoyed and bored so..



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy ****.

That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

Subject: eHarmony Dating Service

To: Date: Wednesday, November 19, 2008, 7:08 AM

Dear Applicant:

Your application to join our online dating agency has been Officially REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My dick" is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest, and best of luck in finding a compatible partner.

And some pics...

A "few" "obligatory" blond jokes.



1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)



2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)



3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)



4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)



5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)



6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)



7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)



8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)



9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)



10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)



11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)



12. What do you call it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)



13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four is born Chinese.)



14. Why did the blonde put makeup on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)



15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)



16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)



17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

18. TWO BLONDES



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

19. CAR TROUBLE



A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

20. SPEEDING TICKET



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

21. RIVER WALK



There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?
"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

22. KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

23. BLONDE ON THE SUN



A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!
"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

24. IN A VACUUM



A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

25. FINALLY,



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"

A woman turns to her husband and says: "Sweetie, I'd like to get a breast enhancement. Can we afford it?"

Her husband replies: "Why not just rub them with toilet paper every day?"

Puzzles, she asks: "Why? Will that make my breasts larger?"

Without missing a beat, he responds: "Hell if I know. Seems to have worked for your ass."

He should be out of intensive care on Wednesday.

A wife turns to her husband and asks: "Honey? Do these pants make my butt look big?"

"What a silly question. Of course those pants don't make your butt look big! However, I would have to say that your butt does make those pants look small."

His body hasn't been found yet.

My wife and I went to the Durham cattle show recently and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR."

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.

And some more pics...

Quick Joke:


:banana::banana::banana::banana::banana:

I give it 5 Banana's

Rofl. That is so funny. DIA is where I go when I visit my fiance :D

LOL, Spiel2001

Okej Spiel2001, you make me laugh, gotto give sonething in return.

http://www.jeffdunham.com/

Dot...Coooom

Just retold this to my mum and brother ... they loved it rofl.

Then my brother told me this one ..


There are three different types of people. Those that can count and those that can't.

Rofl. My mum went .. I don't get it ... rofl

(thanks to Paul for sending this to me)

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer
and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
the door and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said,
"About 3 hours.."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the
shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About
an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey,
Bob, do me a favor... Follow that guy and see
where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come
back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when
he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and
said, "Your house!"

Please understand, this is posted in humor. Immigrants make this country what it is, but, still.... it made me laugh, hard...

---------------------------

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa .."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

hehe, so wrong but hilarious nonetheless :P

Rofl, its like all the sexist jokes. They are just so wrong but you just can't help but laugh at them.

More things that make me laugh...

.

Blonde gets tired of being called a dumb blonde, decides to dye her hair brown and move out into the sticks, where she thinks everyone else will be dumb, too.

She walks into a country style car dealership, and spots a used cadillac convertible, gets a great deal on it..

Takes it for a drive, and thats when she notices the shepherd tending his flock of sheep, she stops for a bit. Finally, she walks over to the guy, and tells him

"Hey, I've always wanted my own sheep, if I guess the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one?"

The "good ole boy" thinks to himself, "No way will she guess I have 243 sheep here", and says "Sure lady". The blonde-turned-brunette says, "243'

The man is dumbfounded, but tells her "Ok lady, go get yerself one"

As she is carrying her prize to the car, the guy yells out, "Hey lady! wait up! If I can guess the natural color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Another blonde decides she has had enough of the dumb blonde jokes at work, goes home and memorizes all the USA state capitols.

During break, a coworker begins telling another dumb blonde joke, when she interrupts him, saying "Excuse me.. but this *air quotes* dumb blonde did something none of you could do, I memorized every single capital of every single state in the USA.. go ahead, quiz me."

Another co-worker says "Ok, whats the capitol of Mississippi"

To which the blonde smugly replies, "M"

What do you get when you mix blondes and alcohol?

Whatever you want.

-

Why do so many dumb blondes have sore belly buttons?

Men can be blonde, too.

- And, some lawyer jokes for ya -

You have a gun, with 2 bullets, and are approached by a gang member, a terrorist, and a lawyer, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer, twice.

-

You are driving your car, and hit a pedestrian only to discover he's a lawyer, what do you do?

Back up and hit him again, just to be sure he's not playing possum.

-

What's the difference between a snake and a lawyer?

One is a poisonous, lowlife reptile dangerous to your health.
The other is a snake.

Sometimes modern technology is not a good substitute for the older technology it replaces...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MMgu-_--gk :D

Do I dare ask what a bul****ing ass looks like...

~roflma~

:D

Men who lack female supervision...

.

Don't be such a door mat!

.

A little Christmas story… When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this

Rofl! :):)

hahahahahahaha

Time for a golden oldie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ekLO8BwxwE

OMG I LOL'd my tushy off!! xD

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE

Football FINALLY makes sense

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game,
he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat. An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.



Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.



Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.



A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

Some first rate geek humor... with a British accent...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39...e_gdata_player

<3 British humor, 'tis very punny.

hahahahaha

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't

hahahahhaah