Humor

[Seer]

Subject: eHarmony Dating Service

To: Date: Wednesday, November 19, 2008, 7:08 AM

Dear Applicant:

Your application to join our online dating agency has been Officially REJECTED.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My dick" is not an appropriate answer.

Thank you for your interest, and best of luck in finding a compatible partner.

[Seer]

And some pics...

[Seer]

A "few" "obligatory" blond jokes.



1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)



2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)



3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)



4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)



5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)



6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)



7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)



8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)



9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)



10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)



11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)



12. What do you call it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)



13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four is born Chinese.)



14. Why did the blonde put makeup on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)



15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)



16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)



17. What is the biggest advantage to marrying blonde?
(You get to park in the Handicapped Zone)

18. TWO BLONDES



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........and one blonde says to the other:
"Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"

19. CAR TROUBLE



A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

20. SPEEDING TICKET



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

21. RIVER WALK



There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?
"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

22. KNITTING



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

23. BLONDE ON THE SUN



A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!
"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

24. IN A VACUUM



A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

25. FINALLY,



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooo," answered the blond.-"They're watch dogs!"

[spiel2001]

A woman turns to her husband and says: "Sweetie, I'd like to get a breast enhancement. Can we afford it?"

Her husband replies: "Why not just rub them with toilet paper every day?"

Puzzles, she asks: "Why? Will that make my breasts larger?"

Without missing a beat, he responds: "Hell if I know. Seems to have worked for your ass."

He should be out of intensive care on Wednesday.

[spiel2001]

A wife turns to her husband and asks: "Honey? Do these pants make my butt look big?"

"What a silly question. Of course those pants don't make your butt look big! However, I would have to say that your butt does make those pants look small."

His body hasn't been found yet.

[Seer]

My wife and I went to the Durham cattle show recently and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR".

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR."

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW, that's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Seer]

And some more pics...

[Dramber]

Stupid Char Limits....

[cokedrivers]

Quick Joke:

2 men on opposite ends of the earth 
One is walking a high wire
The other is getting head from a 80 year old lady.



























What do they have in common? 

































Don't Look Down!!!

I give it 5 Banana's

[spiel2001]

CUSTOMER SERVICE...

It happened at the Denver Airport.

I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you out there who've
had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. An award
should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an
angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to
be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be
happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her
voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. " We have a passenger
here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him
find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F***You!".
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,... you'll
have to get in line for that too."

[Xrystal]

Rofl. That is so funny. DIA is where I go when I visit my fiance

[Riddrick]

LOL, Spiel2001

Okej Spiel2001, you make me laugh, gotto give sonething in return.

http://www.jeffdunham.com/

Dot...Coooom

[Xrystal]

Just retold this to my mum and brother ... they loved it rofl.

Then my brother told me this one ..


There are three different types of people. Those that can count and those that can't.

Rofl. My mum went .. I don't get it ... rofl

[spiel2001]

(thanks to Paul for sending this to me)

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to
investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

[spiel2001]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customer
and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
the door and asked, "How long before I can get a
haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said,
"About 3 hours.."

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the
shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About
an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey,
Bob, do me a favor... Follow that guy and see
where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come
back."

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when
he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and
said, "Your house!"

[spiel2001]

Please understand, this is posted in humor. Immigrants make this country what it is, but, still.... it made me laugh, hard...

---------------------------

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa .."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[Vis]

hehe, so wrong but hilarious nonetheless :P

[Xrystal]

Rofl, its like all the sexist jokes. They are just so wrong but you just can't help but laugh at them.

[spiel2001]

More things that make me laugh...

.

[break19]

Blonde gets tired of being called a dumb blonde, decides to dye her hair brown and move out into the sticks, where she thinks everyone else will be dumb, too.

She walks into a country style car dealership, and spots a used cadillac convertible, gets a great deal on it..

Takes it for a drive, and thats when she notices the shepherd tending his flock of sheep, she stops for a bit. Finally, she walks over to the guy, and tells him

"Hey, I've always wanted my own sheep, if I guess the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one?"

The "good ole boy" thinks to himself, "No way will she guess I have 243 sheep here", and says "Sure lady". The blonde-turned-brunette says, "243'

The man is dumbfounded, but tells her "Ok lady, go get yerself one"

As she is carrying her prize to the car, the guy yells out, "Hey lady! wait up! If I can guess the natural color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"